Those that know me know I'm a open book on basically everything. I've never been one to hold back how I feel no matter how others perceive it. As of lately I've been on a emotional roller coaster and have been keeping to myself those whom care noticed others lost me in the shuffle. This blog is for those that legitimately care.... What am I talking about I have only 9 followers on my blog oh well I guess I'll talk to myself. Those that may not know I've lived quite a eventful life. I've been at what would be the top of the world engaged, and a bright college student. The relationship fell apart and I bounced back with what some would say was a better life not rich but 10s of thousands in my account, a promising future in front of me, and a celeb on my arm (I wont put her out there). Many would've done anything to have my life including myself. They say what goes up must come down and boy did it. My funds depleted, lost the girl, had to sell my car to make tuition and was basically homeless. I was at rock bottom or so I thought. I made refuge from south Florida and lived in Jacksonville, FL where I started to rebuild my empire. I vowed I'd never be broke again and that I would put myself before anyone. Now mind you I had approximately a year and a half left to achieve my degrees (was double majoring) but thought of not having food to eat for days and being dead ass broke kept me from returning. I seemed to back on my trail of greatness. Went through a few jobs none of them less than a management positions till I found the money I wanted. I was feeling good my money stacking back up, I have like minded people around me, and was in a relationship with a woman that fits into my puzzle. As always when I'm at my absolute peak is when I fall. My job wanted me to unjustly fire someone and I declined so I was fired instead. My license is suspended for a year which causes legal issues that will in the future will hurt me more. On top of all that the woman I loved grows tired of my "Tony before all" attitude. I'm back at the bottom again great. I live off my stash a lil bit till I find a job I love which actually took a couple years but non the less I love the job. Me and ol girl back together and is rebuilding. The whole time though only thing i can say I live for was for was money. It honestly was the only thing I always cared about. It was my motivator. I was fine with that, who wouldn't be. Well that motivator got changed when I was advised that I was to become a father. Nothing less than a miracle (two forms of birth control was used) I redirected my focus to become what my father never was. I live for her and her only. Me and her mom fell out again this time it wasn't on me, but I never took my eye off my focus to be the best thing in my daughter's life. I was on top of the world and was the happiest I've ever been. One night after visiting with my daughter everything changed. I was pulled over (at this point I have a revoked license) beaten, and taken to jail. I have a lil money not a big deal to bail out and put a lawyer on it. In the mean time I'm talking to the marines due to the fact my legal issues had a adverse reaction on my current employment. I still live for her, my moves are to benefit her. The marines look at my credentials I'm a prime candidate just got to get my legal stuff in order. I work out a deal with the courts and in trade for 6 months of my life I will not be convicted of any felonies. As bad as it sounds I was excited for this to happen. It gave me time to separate from those that weren't really on my team, give em time to forget me. I also had the time to emotionally bond my daughters mom without the BS in the way. I wont front she wasn't the only woman I was talking to but she was the only one that was real. I came back and I was focused I was ready to become a marine, ready to be there for my daughter and give her the best life possible. Well the marines told me I had to wait 90 days before they can speak to me about enrolling. No big deal I'll just hang out with my lil one. Me and my family are strong I'm happy so are they. My 90 days roll by and I'm told I can not enroll in the marines. I'm broke again and I have a daughter to take care of. While I'm trying to create a situation to generate revenue I give my daughter's mom my car, for she already has a situation to get money and needs a way to get back and forth. I'm focused I'm grinding I got a lil money coming in keeping me a float. Me not having money didn't make me sad as it use to I found my happiness in her. Things get sour with me and her mom she likes being the "party girl". Oh well fuck her all I need is my daughter. I kick in on the bills every now and then buy necessities, and I'm babysitting as much as possible. I'm told that's not enough. I fall back try to get more money coming in. Jobs are saying my background check is showing that I'm a convicted felon so ain't no one hiring me. I explain to her mom what I have and what I can give she says ok that's cool. It's actually more than what I've been giving anyway. That discussion was three months ago. I've been trying to see my daughter every week for the last 4 1/2 months I get hit with the response "I'm too busy come and get you". I gave her my car and I cant even get a ride in my own car to see my daughter. I hit a dry spot with money she sells my 60" TV without telling me. I create new ways to see my daughter for her mom to flake on me every single time. With all that being said I get a call saying "Tony I need you to pay my light bill". I cant take it anymore I say no. I'm not gonna just be your money train I want to see my daughter. Her response why don't you just sign over rights to her since you cant take it any more. With that statement I can only assume that she's intends to keep her away from me and I tell her I no longer want to fight I'll fall back. Since then I've been lost. I've tried to attach myself to things that use to make me happy. Started dating again buying random things just cause and none of these things fulfills me. I've ran through like 2 females in a matter of months. I'm currently digging some one but I'm sure at some point she'll be number 3 (i hope not). I still live for my daughter. I don't have her in my life so I'm out here lost. If you actually read this thank you for taking the the time.